It’s been a while since I last touched on our recent trip to Canada.  For more reasons than I’d like to discuss it wasn’t exactly what I’d call a vacation.  So many people have asked how the trip went and suggest that it must have been great to have an extra week.  The reality of the situation was that from beginning to end we never really had a chance to relax and enjoy it as a vacation.  Travel disruptions (BA’s cabin crew strike, NSB forgetting about DST changes, VOLCANOES!) as well as diarrhea and chickenpox didn’t exactly add anything interesting into the pot.  At one point this interesting “stew of a vacation” almost boiled over and we all just wanted to call it quits.  For almost two days I cried that I wanted to be home and then on the second to last day I regretted that I didn’t take advantage of the extra time.  I suppose in times like those one can never really think clearly or as wisely as one could.

Now when I look back on how the trip went I’d say it was a 50-50 so-so trip.  Some good, some very bad, and some moments of pure satisfaction.  We stayed closer to home which I’d say was good for my mum.  (Being that she really only gets to see us a couple weeks of the year… if that.)  Ørjan spent almost two weeks of his time cleaning out my mum’s basement as well as renovating her bedroom.  I’m not sure if I mentioned it much but we surprised my mum with a new bedroom.  He cleaned out her room, installed new flooring, assembled the new furniture, and then tried to give her a nice living space because he had to do it.  This of course was never easy because there was one factor that we avoided discussing from the beginning: her boyfriend.  We had to be very careful presenting him with the news that we were going to do things in the house, and also had to do it in a way that wouldn’t offend him because he has a tendency to become jealous and hurtful.

I tried to keep calm but I constantly felt like someone was shooting spitballs at me.  I cooked every meal 2-3 times a day in a very small and unkept kitchen (zero tools, the dullest knives I’ve ever met, and unused appliances everywhere!), and I could barely stand to touch the food.  As someone that loves food and has respect for the food I prepare and eat, I was appalled to learn that my mother had gotten to the point that any fresh food she had in her fridge was nearly fossilized, and that she was really only eating food that could be eaten from a can, or could easily be cooked from its frozen or dehydrated state.  I feel like a real snob saying this, but it just wasn’t to my own standards.  I think what I really felt was concern and slight disappointment that my mother had let things come to such a point.  I can honestly say that I never felt like this during past trips we’d made and it was with a heavy heart that I had to almost lecture my own mother about the way she was keeping her house and the effects of her very poor diet.  I didn’t like to tell my mother what to do, but it was out of concern that I had to constantly remind her about simple things like expiry dates and when to toss out certain foods.  I also had to turn a blind eye at the mountains of unused items in the house.  I saw the show Hoarders for the first time in April and it hit hard when I looked around the house.  After my dad died she let everything go and the house seemed to suffer along with her.  I won’t reveal too much but I know the connection with the state of the house and my dad’s death is undeniable.  The house was clean and definitely did not look like some of the homes seen on the show, but I could see that her attitude had changed and she was becoming stubborn which is not like her at all.

The only outlet that we seemed to have was indulging in some good ol’ fashioned retail therapy.  We bought some new clothes, I got my hair done, I treated Ørjan to a day at the spa, and like the geeks we are Ørjan and I bought matching ipods.  Ørjan was also invited to the casino by some family friends and I pushed him to go because he’d never visited one before.  I caught up with some old friends, indulged in some very decadent food, and even managed to watch TV.  I’m sure there were some days where we enjoyed ourselves (especially when it meant Chinese buns and the market) but there seems to be too many sour memories that prevent me from overlooking the bad.

I want to say more and perhaps I’ll come back to edit this later, but for the moment I just want to stop.  There’s too much I want to say, too much that I want to avoid discussing, and too much that I still haven’t come to terms with.

For my own sake I’m just going to get this out of the way now.  I don’t usually like to make New Year’s Resolutions but I know that some of these had to wait until now and not a day earlier.  Yes, some of them will typically top any blogger’s list, but these are things I really want to achieve and include in my daily routines.  They’re not for the sake of making a list either.  (I love making lists.)  So here we go in no particular order:

1. Quit smoking - This is at the top of my list because I’ve been smoking at work because I haven’t been able to deal with the stress and now I seriously regret it.  The cost (my health and wallet) is something I just can’t justify any longer.  I could say, “Sure, it’s only really a pack or two a week” but just one cigarette is too much.  It makes my hair and clothes smell, I don’t like keeping it a secret, and let’s not forget the stigma.  I want to be healthier in 2010 and I won’t make any progress if I continue to smoke.  I’ve been trying to cut down for weeks and I’ve been battling because of the holidays.  It’s a social thing and impossible to say no.
2. Excercise - Months ago I was doing both cardio and pilates but I haven’t been able to squeeze in the time.  I’m lucky if I can squeeze in pilates three times a week but I never feel fully accomplished.  I was going to join a spinning class with some people from work but the first sessions never happened because that week I was incredibly sick.  After that I just passed on the opportunity, but I fully intend to attend some classes in the new year.  I’d really like to get into better shape before summer hits us.  I’m not reaching for a cliche bikini-ready bod but I’d like to feel more confident when the weather warms up.
3. Save $$$ - In March and April we’ll be travelling quite a bit and it won’t be easy without some extra money.  Three nights in London, a few weeks in Hamilton and Toronto, and if we can afford it we’ll go across the border for some shopping.  I’d also like to spend a few thousand dollars on new camera equipment because at this point I’d like to take my hobby to a semi-professional status.  I’d also like to make it a point that I will be more careful about how I spend my money.
4. Read - I find very little time to read books, magazines, and my old textbooks.  I’ve been trying to keep some books by my side of the bed but I always end up passing out before I reach the third page.  I should probably make a list of books I’d like to read this year to get me started.  One thing I’d like to find time for is refreshing my language skills.  I have many textbooks and novels in French and German and it might be good idea to pull them out to see if I’m as fluent as I used to be.
5. Cut out meat - I’m not sure I’ll be able to cut out meat completely (or right away) but I’m definitely going to give it a go.  Believe it or not but once upon a time Iwent through a meatless-period and even considered myself a vegetarian.  Gasp!  Since my region isn’t exactly the most veggie-friendly area to live I don’t think I’ll give up eggs or milk but I may reduce my intake.  This is going to be hard because I really love salmon!  I’m slightly apprehensive about cutting out meat because of my anemia, but I’ve been researching iron-rich and fortified foods that I can add to my diet.  When we go into Mo tomorrow I’m going to visit the healthfood store to see what kind of tofu and meatless food they can offer.
6. Be more honest with myself and others. I consider myself to be a very honest person but at sometimes I hold back because I’d rather not reveal how I feel.  There are many times I’m unhappy or unsatisfied with something about work but I always keep my mouth shut.  There are also many days I wish Ørjan would help with the house and the kids but just sigh at the end of the evening.  Here’s the really tricky one – when people ask for my opinion I will give it to them.  No more sugar coating it!  I have no intentions of being mean or rude, but I won’t lie when I really dislike something or find something false.  I think this is a positive move on my part.
7. Start writing. This includes personal diary entires, blogging, and letters and people at home.  I’ve been slagging when it comes to that promise I made to keep better contact with family and friends.  Yes life is chaotic but there are no excuses now.
8. Make time for my hobbies and crafting. Ørjan bought me a sewing machine for Christmas and I have nothing but good intentions for a line up of projects, but the real question I have to consider is whether I actually have time for it.  I can sew, infact I’m quite ok (thanks to some classes) but I also procrastinate more than I’d like to.  I’ve purchased fabric over the past two years but have barely touched it.  Now with my weightloss I have to take in or hem my jeans and I can’t do this without my sewing machine.  Maybe I’ll start tonight.
9. Piano-love. My kids love banging the keys and playing along with me when I have my musical moments, but I’d really like to spend more time with them trying to get them interested in music.  I have no expectations that I’ll be training prodigies but it would be nice if they enjoyed it.  Perhaps when we go to Canada for Easter I’ll bring back some of my old books just for a refresher.  At the moment I’ve only been playing kids songs (themes from Totoro and Drømmehagen) and random music you might hear an icecream truck playing.  I was classically trained – I must put those years to better use!
10. Give. This is a promise and committment that I will give more time to myself, others, and the community.  Since I started working again (it was never meant to be full-time!) I feel like I’ve been more negative and have given up on many of my beliefs.  I want to be more positive and give more live and time to those I hold close.  If I can keep my life balanced I will volunteer for more than just extra hours at work.

This list isn’t written in stone and I’m sure that I’ll add more as the months approach, but I wanted to get this up as a reminder to myself that I have things to strive for this year.  It’s a work in progress and there’s no possibility for failure.

It’s my only day off this week and tomorrow we’re getting a visit from Ørjan’s dad.  (If you didn’t know Ørjan doesn’t have too much contact with his biological father for reasons I can’t get into now.)  It’s my strong belief that when you have guests it’s your obligation and responsibility to treat them with respect and be as hospitable as possible.  Whether you’re hosting a party or just having someone for coffee I feel it’s important to have a clean house, something to offer them, and have everything prepared well in advance.  I feel the same way about being a guest as well – As a guest you must dress your best, bring/offer something, and be well-prepared in advance.  Since Knut (dad) will be picking up the kids from daycare because I have an evening shift there’s plenty to do.

Here’s what I plan to scratch off my list:

• Get Christmas gifts ready
• Detailed cleaning of bathroom(s)
• Detailed cleaning of living room and kitchen
• Vacuum and wash the floors
• Clean the fridge
• Do laundry x3 (plus linens)
• Pilates!
• Print out photos for daycare x2
• Write out Christmas cards
• Homemade lasagne (which means homemade sauce!)
• Tidy bedroom
• Send and research info for Magnus’ hospital trip next month (We’ll be in Bodø [Norlandssykehuset] for a week next month for his testing)
• Upload photos
• Bake oatmeal cookies for visit and work
• Send business plan for Christmas sale
• Late night physio appointment?  (If I can manage to squeeze it in after work!)
• Skim through the 257 unread emails in my inbox
• Blog if there’s any time leftover

The list looks long but I’m determined to accomplish each task and make no excuses!  Now if only we had a little daylight/sunlight my day would be wonderful.  Yeah, it’s early December which means we practically live in darkness for the next month and a half.  Ahhhhhhh!  Maybe I should make some coffee for a quick mood-boost.  I’m already anxious… maybe because I have more energy since I forced myself to eat a bite for breakfast?  Now if only I didn’t have a sleepy kitty on my head this might work out.

I feel like lately I’ve really been struggling with what I want to say.  I feel exhausted, lifeless, and somewhat empty.  I am more than happy about my life and career but I feel that deep down there is something missing.  I wish I could put my finger on it but I just can’t.  I feel like something has drained the life right out of me and some days I feel completely joyless.  I won’t lie any longer.  I’m not depressed nor do I feel bitter about it, but I feel that some days I go from A to B just faking that I’m ok.  Sometimes at work the thought of having to speak Norwegian makes me angry.  Just the idea of having to repeat the language over and over makes me upset.  For once in my life I’d like to have a normal conversation in English!  If you didn’t know, Ørjan and I just speak English together but it’s not what I’d call good English.  His English isn’t poor but I feel like I have to converse at a level that is almost beginner ESL and it drives me nuts.  Alot of things have been pissing me off for no reason and it’s not like me at all.

I miss writing letters and receiving mail.  I miss making random mix cds (probably haven’t made one in almost 4 years) and sending them to those I know would appreciate the gesture.  And for the first time in a really long time I think I might actually miss Canada.  I think part of it is not having my own family close.  I miss going to concerts and discussing music.  I miss having passionate discussions about food and culture.  I miss long conversations with *D and his random guitar playing over the phone.

I really don’t know what to do.  The more that I start to think about it the more distant and frustrated I become, and that when I refuse to think about it I feel completely empty.

• Ok.  I promise.   For real.  Next week after my body eases up and accepts my new work schedule I’m back to doing some serious cardio in the evenings.  Since I have to be at work for 6am (alarms goes off at 04:45!) and I can barely get there on time I’m thinking I should turn my walk to work into a serious 10 minute run.  Also, no more caffiene!
• I just realized Ørjan is reading this blog daily.  What for?  Who knows…He lives with me and experiences everything I write about.  (Kanskje du tror jeg skal snakke om hot sex mellom oss?  Eller kanskje du prøver å finne noe hemmelig?  It’s not gonna happen!)
• I dyed/highlighted my hair over the weekend to the colour I usually like only this time I didn’t care for the results much.  I think when I book my next hair appointment I’m splurging and getting a real cut and colour.
• I’ve been meaning to drag out my old textbooks from university but I still haven’t found the time.  Why?  I took French for 10+ years and today my fluent status is a joke.  I had a dream (in French) the other night and when I answered the boy back I answered in Norwegian!
• Our summer holidays are looking sweet.  Details later.
• I really need to get up the two sites I’ve been working on for months.

It’s not even 8am on a cold and dark Sunday morning but I’ve been awake for over an hour.  Magnus is sleeping in our bed due to of one of those 4-am nightmare screams, I let the cat in for food and cuddling, and I’ve fired up downstairs because -15ºC outside and 19ºC inside is just too cold to ignore.  It’s completely silent in the house except for the sound of wood cracking downstair in the oven.  Did I mention it’s Mother’s Day?  Yeah, it’s Mother’s Day in Norway.  Ørjan hinted that he bought me a can opener.  All I can think about is biting into a piece of pastry topped with smoked salmon and crème fraîche but I should probably wait until everyone is awake.  Eh.  Maybe once they’re all awake I’ll go back to bed… It’s the least Ørjan could do for me today.  I really shouldn’t sleep though because I start working next week and need my body to accept this  new early routine.  I hear Magnus coughing which means he’s awake and now my chain of thought has now become interrupted.  I’m sitting on Ørjan’s PC typing this – Why doesn’t he clean his desk?  I should go find a pair of wool socks/slippers.  Did I mention that I managed to get glass stuck in my bare foot yesterday?  That’s three times in two weeks.  How is this possible considering I vaccumed and scrubbed all the floors in the house?  I want a cupcake from yesterday but I’m still agonizing over its calorie count and the justification about today.  Maybe I should call my mum today even though I called her yesterday.  Oh, and I do not want to move back to Hamilton, Ontario.  It really stinks.  When did Hamilton’s crimerate trump Toronto’s and where the hell did the last green space go!  I should really wash the kids’ handprints off the French Doors out here beause it’s a mess.

I just want to curl up and nap and not have to think about anything else… but I do.

Without even trying to come up with reasons why I am so glad to be home, three walked past the house the morning when I looked out.  At 6:05 this morning I looked out to see the weather and saw three deer walking behind eachother up our street.  It’s so good to be home.