When we arrived in Canada it was warm.  The first week at home welcomed us with temperatures of 20°C – 30°C and it felt fantastic.  The kids were able to play outside and ran around in just diapers, we never needed coats, and I felt good about wearing the new pair of chunky-heeled sandals I had just purchased.  Magnus had a few rough days and we all felt it but he ate icecream and watched the complete pixar collection and after a while things seemed to ease up.  Sophie jumped in with both feet and she seemed to adapt very quickly.  Ørjan seemed to enjoy himself even if he had the same worries as me.  The one thing that did affect us was the food.  Oh god I felt awful each day because the food tasted bad on my tongue.  Simple pleasures like a slice of bread (Where was gluten-free?) or a glass of milk tasted so bitter and I swear I could taste the toxins and hormones.  Meat was full of water, the fruit and vegetables were always shiny at the supermarket, and the yoghurt was completely fat-free and sugar-free and it was almost like eating congealed fruit-milk.  I instantly felt disappointed because I had hoped going back to North America I could get my hands on healthy and whole foods but everything seemed stripped or pumped full extra artificial ingredients and my stomach couldn’t handle it.  During the first week we all suffered from diarrhea or constipation and it was not fun.  I even had to resort to feeding the kids baby cereal for breakfast  just so they could get something nutritious in them.  Oh, it was bad.

Going home is always hard for me because I’m never able to relax.  Maybe it’s the memories of that house, or maybe it’s because I’m so consciencious about my environment, but I was never able to just stop and rest.  I was constantly cleaning, constantly cooking, and constantly itching to get out of there.  I felt slightly trapped.  It also didn’t help that I felt so uncomfortable knowing that my mom’s boyfriend is now living in the house.  I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells in every room I walked into.  Eventually I tried to let go and made an effort to have a good time.  I suppose a little retail therapy did help though.  We bought shoes, clothes, toys, and all those other items that we can’t find in Norway.  We visited friends and family and while it felt good it was always sad knowing we only had a couple of hours together.  We even surprised my mother with a new bedroom and spent many days cleaning her house.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it but my mother is this—far from being one of those people you might see on hoarders.  (Just another reason why being stuck there got on my nerves.)  I felt miserable not being able to exercise as I usually do, but I did go on a few walks and runs which made me feel better despite never really having the energy.

I love my mom, she is the most generous person I know, but she really got on my nerves when it came to our children.  The first week wasn’t easy on her because she thought the kids made too much noise or that they made too much of a mess.  Eventually she realized that they are kids and embraced their laughter and stickiness, but there was always criticism and I always felt angry when she tried making a point.  Nearing the end it was very sad because she really connected with them and I wasn’t sure what kind of comfort I could offer.  I think I tried to avoid it because I didn’t want to deal with my own feelings of longing.  We did have some talks and we were able to communicate but everything still felt so fragile.  Nearing the end (or what we thought was the end) of our trip we started to say our goodbyes and then everything fell apart.  Suddenly Eyjafjallajökull erupted and everything came to a complete stop.  We were packed and ready to leave and then suddenly we were stranded.

Ørjan and I were under so much stress last week and were almost ready to kill eachother.  We frantically called our travel insurance company, our bank, our employers, and family members.  It could have been worse, we could have been like those thousands that were stranded at airports, but being away from home even longer meant more problems.  It meant the kids would continue to be miserable, it meant Ørjan and I wouldn’t be at work earning money, and it meant another week of struggling to keep it together.  At that point we were short on money and contemplated finding any flight to get us closer to home.  Nothing was available and even flights that could take us across the pacific were off because none wanted to fly to Europe.  At that point we were feeling so low and then wouldn’t you know it, Sophie broke out with chickenpox.  On the 20th day of our trip she finally got chickenpox.  Luckily for us and her she’s a tough girl.  Her outbreak wasn’t as severe as her brother’s and only had several spots on her face, but it was still an awful experience.  It was obvious she was meant to get them on our flight back to London which doesn’t surprise us at all.

What made everything worse was the waiting.  We were originally scheduled to fly out of Toronto on the 17th but the only flight we could be promised was the 25th.  We were basically stranded for 8 more days and each day felt painful.  The kids had been sick, we had to think about the loss of income, and we were very far from home.  At that point it seemed hopeless.  If you follow me on twitter you’ll know just how desperate I had been feeling.  Eventually the week came to an end and we were more than ready to go home.  I took the initiative to pack early even if it killed me.  We came with 2 suitcases and 1 carry-on and left with 4 very full suitcases and 4 heavy carry-ons.

I want to say more about our trip but at this point I’m almost at a loss of words for just how awful most of it had been.  I think after I’ve had some more time to rest and think i’ll be able to write something more positive.  For now I’m trying to forget alot of it any way I can.

A good song to listen to while (and definitely later) reading this is For the Good Times by Johnny Cash.

By this time next month we’ll be back in Canada and I’m still not sure how I feel about it.  For a while I’ve been saying to myself and others that I haven’t really missed much about home.  Ever since the Olympics I’ve been re-evaluating my feelings and my sadness about leaving Canada almost five year ago.  I’m a Canadian and I always will be but since moving to Norway I think I’ve become what they call Norwegianized.  I’ve adapted to its culture after a long period of refusal but there are so many things about my life and my values that won’t go down.

For the past week I’ve been re-watching the opening ceremonies (thank god for our enormous HD dard disk!) and been crying at all of the performances.  I suppose it doesn’t matter which generation you grew up in, being a Canadian in any decade has somehow and always be the modern and the classics.  Whether it be brief heritage moments on tv, Hockey Night in Canada, or Roll Up the Rim, the small things are big parts of who we are.  I used to cringe at those horrific commericials featuring Rita McNeil and her friends but now small memories like that bring such a warmth to my heart.  I miss watching David Suzuki on CBC, I miss documentaries about Pierre Trudeau, and I miss how everything has to be written in both English and French.  As a Hamiltonian of over 18 years Niagara Falls and the CN Tower never seemed so big because I must have visited them more times than I count, but when I see photos from people that have visisted them for the first time I feel somewhat sad.  To me these places were small and insignificant and hardly worth photograping, but today I realize they involve some of the greatest memories of my life.

I grew up speaking French and even won French awards at school but today I can barely form a sentence without having to think about it.  I read and understand it perfectly but when I try to say something simple I blurt out Norwegian instead.  I spent a good three years of highschool obsessed with Margaret Atwood, Carol Shields, and Leonard Cohen and found such inspiration from their beautiful and provoking work.  Unfortunately today none of my shelves house their work.  It’s a little sad.

If you ask me (or Canadians in general) what it means to be a Canadian there is no real one answer.  I can only tell you what my Canada means to me:  My Canada is true patriot love.  I love my country because it has given me so many opportunities to fulfill my dreams and realize who I am as a person.  I grew up as a typical Canadian with mixed ethnicity – I embraced both sides and found many communities to welcome me.  My mixed heritage gave me inspiration to learn and love the different and new.  I grew up speaking English and French, and then later German.  My mum tried teaching us Chinese but I quickly gave up after I realized it was much easier to read cyrillics and speak Slavic languages.  Despite this looking back I now see that multiculturalism wasn’t just a concept that was shoved down our throats at school, it was something we lived.  Sure, Canada and all its politics aren’t right, but it’s a country that respects its people as well as its land.  As a Canadian I do say, “Eh”, but it’s nothing to scoff at.  We say it to be polite which is something to be proud of.  I don’t even know what a canuck or a hoser really is but the only thought that comes to mind is SCTV’s McKenzie brothers.  As a Canadian I say thankyou and think Rick Mercer is one of the best entertainers of all time.I grew up knowing that Canada Day wasn’t fireworks and a family bbq, it was a family day and a Canada Day special at Parliament in Ottawa with Shania Twain.  My Canada will and always be Pierre Trudeau and Jean Chretien.  I have some very fond memories of being able to bum around studios thumbing through sheet music while listening to Sarah Slean and Glenn Gould on my gigantic cd/mp3 player. My Canada was staying up late doing mathhomework while watching latenight reruns of Just for Laughs and flipping through Canadian Living and Chatelaine while waiting in the dentist’s reception room.  I could go on about how wonderful free healthcare is and what are taxes really paid for, or that we own hockey, but it seems irrelevant when there are so many great gems from my country.  We are skyscrapers and the wilderness, we are generations of proud heritage, and we are a people that embrace changes and our differences.

I’m not sure where I’m going with any of this.  If you didn’t catch him at the opening ceremonies, this sums up perfectly how I feel.

And you know what, I know all the versus of our national anthem in both Englisn and French.  Ørjan says I’m a geek but that’s ok.

My twitter and facebook account is now flooded by myself and my friends…

CONGRATULATIONS CANADA!

What a fantastic game.  Now I really must go to bed because it’s almost 1am over here.

I’m not sure where to begin so for now so it’ll just be bullets:

EVENTS:

• 07.02.10 – 13.02.10: Magnus and Sophie’s 3rd and 2nd birthdays. Both the kids were sick and had diarrhea so there wasn’t much of a birthday party.
• 14.02.10: Mother’s Day (Norway) and Valentine’s Day.  Since we had just finished with the kids birthdays, and since I was working extra shifts, there wasn’t much time for any celebrating.  It was also Chinese New Year and Fastelavn but I couldn’t be bothered to make any other food because I was just dead tired.

ACTIVITIES:

• Baked for work and the kids’ birthdays
• Put way too much effort into a cake that was half eaten – still fun though!
• Spent many-a-days creating forts in the living room and stepping on crumbs after a week with the kids at home
• Finally got around to framing more art and making more plans for renovations
• Planned and budgeted a little towards our London trip
• Called home to Canada quite a bit
• The Olympics – We watch, record, and argue due to our competitiveness!  I love it!  Go Canada!
• Placed an order at the Olympic Store

There’s so much going on right now I’m not even sure where to begin.  In the meanwhile here’s the chocolate-marzipan cake I made for the kids’ birthday party this past Saturday.  Meet Quatchi and Miga:

I love Sundays.

Sundays mean that my week comes to an end but it’s the perfect beginning to what’s to come for the next.  On Sundays I like to take it easy and try to squeeze in personal time if possible.  Because I work so much and because I like to dedicate my Saturdays to spoiling the kids when I’m not working, Sunday is my personal-refuge day to regroup and take it easy.  Ørjan often lets me sleep late and/or take a nap, I often try out new recipes or bake something yummy for us, or I try to catch up on unfinished projects and crafting.  I am also trying to use my Sundays to materialize my goals and resolutions.  Today I feel accomplished and confident.  Today I feel like I’ve crossed many things off my list and I’ve definitely had some quality time with the kids. If only I felt the same way about Mondays.

Today we all slept in, I made Sunday waffles for the kids, and I tried out a new mango-melon smoothie recipe.  As the kids napped away I’ve managed to do a detailed cleaning of the kitchen, washed the floors, and there’s a pot of homemade beefstew on the stove simmering away.  I have a few loads of laundry to toss in, a few lists to write out, and a few letters to start writing, but it’s nothing that is stressing me out because big shock – I have Monday off!  Before the day is over I’d like to start brainstorming ideas and possible menus for Magnus and Sophie’s birthdays but we still have a few weeks yet.

I love days like these.

We leave for Bodø tonight and I’m not even close to being finished with packing and preparing for the trip.  I went out Saturday night (Ørjan insisted!) to celebrate Emira’s 30th birthday and didn’t end up coming home until 03:30.  Of course I went to bed late and slept in Sunday morning so now I’m a little behind.  I was so exhausted yesterday that I only managed to do a few loads of laundry and tidied the bedroom.  Since we’ll be gone all week there’s so much to do and I hardly want to tackle any of it.  We arrive home late Thursday evening and then it’s back to work for a full fast-helg weekend.  Ugh, so not looking forward to it.  Because I love making lists, here’s what needs to be done today:

• Laundry x3
• Pack toiletries, diapers, small items
• Make food/dinner/goodies bag for the train trip
• Pack for myself, kids, and Ørjan
• Clean out fridge
• Pick up groceries and diapers for next week
• Clean kitchen
• Give Monika key and “cat list”
  

For my own sake I’m just going to get this out of the way now.  I don’t usually like to make New Year’s Resolutions but I know that some of these had to wait until now and not a day earlier.  Yes, some of them will typically top any blogger’s list, but these are things I really want to achieve and include in my daily routines.  They’re not for the sake of making a list either.  (I love making lists.)  So here we go in no particular order:

1. Quit smoking - This is at the top of my list because I’ve been smoking at work because I haven’t been able to deal with the stress and now I seriously regret it.  The cost (my health and wallet) is something I just can’t justify any longer.  I could say, “Sure, it’s only really a pack or two a week” but just one cigarette is too much.  It makes my hair and clothes smell, I don’t like keeping it a secret, and let’s not forget the stigma.  I want to be healthier in 2010 and I won’t make any progress if I continue to smoke.  I’ve been trying to cut down for weeks and I’ve been battling because of the holidays.  It’s a social thing and impossible to say no.
2. Excercise - Months ago I was doing both cardio and pilates but I haven’t been able to squeeze in the time.  I’m lucky if I can squeeze in pilates three times a week but I never feel fully accomplished.  I was going to join a spinning class with some people from work but the first sessions never happened because that week I was incredibly sick.  After that I just passed on the opportunity, but I fully intend to attend some classes in the new year.  I’d really like to get into better shape before summer hits us.  I’m not reaching for a cliche bikini-ready bod but I’d like to feel more confident when the weather warms up.
3. Save $$$ - In March and April we’ll be travelling quite a bit and it won’t be easy without some extra money.  Three nights in London, a few weeks in Hamilton and Toronto, and if we can afford it we’ll go across the border for some shopping.  I’d also like to spend a few thousand dollars on new camera equipment because at this point I’d like to take my hobby to a semi-professional status.  I’d also like to make it a point that I will be more careful about how I spend my money.
4. Read - I find very little time to read books, magazines, and my old textbooks.  I’ve been trying to keep some books by my side of the bed but I always end up passing out before I reach the third page.  I should probably make a list of books I’d like to read this year to get me started.  One thing I’d like to find time for is refreshing my language skills.  I have many textbooks and novels in French and German and it might be good idea to pull them out to see if I’m as fluent as I used to be.
5. Cut out meat - I’m not sure I’ll be able to cut out meat completely (or right away) but I’m definitely going to give it a go.  Believe it or not but once upon a time Iwent through a meatless-period and even considered myself a vegetarian.  Gasp!  Since my region isn’t exactly the most veggie-friendly area to live I don’t think I’ll give up eggs or milk but I may reduce my intake.  This is going to be hard because I really love salmon!  I’m slightly apprehensive about cutting out meat because of my anemia, but I’ve been researching iron-rich and fortified foods that I can add to my diet.  When we go into Mo tomorrow I’m going to visit the healthfood store to see what kind of tofu and meatless food they can offer.
6. Be more honest with myself and others. I consider myself to be a very honest person but at sometimes I hold back because I’d rather not reveal how I feel.  There are many times I’m unhappy or unsatisfied with something about work but I always keep my mouth shut.  There are also many days I wish Ørjan would help with the house and the kids but just sigh at the end of the evening.  Here’s the really tricky one – when people ask for my opinion I will give it to them.  No more sugar coating it!  I have no intentions of being mean or rude, but I won’t lie when I really dislike something or find something false.  I think this is a positive move on my part.
7. Start writing. This includes personal diary entires, blogging, and letters and people at home.  I’ve been slagging when it comes to that promise I made to keep better contact with family and friends.  Yes life is chaotic but there are no excuses now.
8. Make time for my hobbies and crafting. Ørjan bought me a sewing machine for Christmas and I have nothing but good intentions for a line up of projects, but the real question I have to consider is whether I actually have time for it.  I can sew, infact I’m quite ok (thanks to some classes) but I also procrastinate more than I’d like to.  I’ve purchased fabric over the past two years but have barely touched it.  Now with my weightloss I have to take in or hem my jeans and I can’t do this without my sewing machine.  Maybe I’ll start tonight.
9. Piano-love. My kids love banging the keys and playing along with me when I have my musical moments, but I’d really like to spend more time with them trying to get them interested in music.  I have no expectations that I’ll be training prodigies but it would be nice if they enjoyed it.  Perhaps when we go to Canada for Easter I’ll bring back some of my old books just for a refresher.  At the moment I’ve only been playing kids songs (themes from Totoro and Drømmehagen) and random music you might hear an icecream truck playing.  I was classically trained – I must put those years to better use!
10. Give. This is a promise and committment that I will give more time to myself, others, and the community.  Since I started working again (it was never meant to be full-time!) I feel like I’ve been more negative and have given up on many of my beliefs.  I want to be more positive and give more live and time to those I hold close.  If I can keep my life balanced I will volunteer for more than just extra hours at work.

This list isn’t written in stone and I’m sure that I’ll add more as the months approach, but I wanted to get this up as a reminder to myself that I have things to strive for this year.  It’s a work in progress and there’s no possibility for failure.

I made a promise to myself to do nothing on my day off but I completely broke that promise around 1pm.  Usually on my days off I try to clean, exercise, shop, bake or cook, or even run some errands, but today I just wanted to relax and do nothing.  I thought I might even try taking a nap (I’ve been sleeping very little in the past two weeks) but it just never happened.  I had House on in the background while I did a detailed cleaning of the living room in an attempt to keep me relaxed.  Instead of avoiding my usual list I kicked my own butt and stuck to my usual routine without too much guilt.  I did my usual cardio and pilates, cleaned, and even managed to have dinner ready on time.

I’ve been thinking about changing my exercise routine because lately I feel it’s not as challenging.  I feel that I’m definitely in better shape than a couple of months ago and my flexibility and stamina have improved but I demand more.  I expect more.  By March/April 2010 I’d like to be about 10 kg lighter than I am now.  I don’t think it’s an unrealistic goal but I know it’s going to be somewhat of a struggle the first 4 weeks because I know I need to kick two things: sugar, and smoking.  I haven’t really said much on here but I’ve started smoking at work.  3-4 cigarettes a day doesn’t seem like so much but add up the week and subtotal the month and it’s way too much.  It’s an expensive and dirty habit that I kicked for many years and I feel very disappointed in myself for lapsing back.  I want to get healthier and smoking is not going to help at all.  Uff.  As far as sugar goes I know I need to stop nibbling on chocolate.  I don’t scarf down a whole chocolate bar or “candy bar” but the fact that I have cravings tells me I need to cut it out all together.  Sugar and smoking do not equal weightloss.

Anyhow.  Back to House and then maybe some late-night pilates before bed.

I must confess that at this point my brain is going soggy from my obsession for Hugh Laurie. The last time I felt this crazy was at 15 when my world revolved around Jeremy Irons. Oh…….. yum. (That was my brain shutting down and then drooling.)

Feel free to carry on with your day.